so yeah, um... rejoice or somethin'. Idk just thought I should let you know. Anyways...yeah. Things ain't been to good lately. Having too many bad dreams, waking up with injuries from said dreams. Missing a certain man who doesn't miss me is a little stressful too. Anyways, these dreams..it's like they're cryptic. They're trying to tell me something. I keep visiting the 50's. I have asked several people about it and they all say it may be me visiting my past life. But it's also getting weird because I will dream something and then it will happen. Like meeting people, which usually took years but now is a next day type of thing. Mum says I'm just getting stronger with certain things is all. A lot of shit has happened since I've been gone. Just saying. I've grown. Hopefully for the better. I've realized more of my flaws, and am trying to work on them this summer. It's hard, but I guess working on one's self will always be. Especially because I'm in love and keep trying to forget about it. I wanted this summer to be about me but it's quickly becoming about everyone else. Especially him. I'm smoking a lot more lately. I'm trying to quit cause I know it's bad for me, but I can't help it sometimes. I shouldn't cause I sing a lot too, but when I'm pulling my hair out sometimes it's a good pick me up.
There's this church camp in town. Now, I have nothing against the church or Christians in general believe me ( I was saved at the age of 13) but these people are too pushy for my taste. They're the stereotypical "must not converse with the opposite sex-interracial relationships are bad-have to wear skirts down below my knees- every one should love Jesus and if you don't agree with me you are damned to an eternity of hell" type of Christians. They're the type that turned me off to Christianity before I learned more about it. They give me and my friends dirty looks if they see us smoking every now and then, or if they see me conversing with Andre or other males. I swear, it's people like them that make me want to be a rebellious, snarky bitch. Plus, they pretend to get their praise on during the day and keep my poor room mate up at night with their partying. Don't get me wrong, I like to get my drink on as much as the next bloke, but if you know people are living next door to you, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
They remind me of some poor misguided floozie I once knew who walked around campus saying she would kill someone with a frying pan and that she worked for the FBI. She once told me that I would never go anywhere in life, was going to burn in Hell, should stop studying religion, drop out of college and find Jesus because I said a few curse words every know and then. To which, upon telling the story, the man I'm in love with now said "some Christian she is, she's not supposed to cast the first stone, none of us are perfect, etc."<-- first night we ever actually spoke. Anyways, things with her and I were not handled maturely but she got what she deserved from me. It felt good. I'm sure I'll pay for it later but for now I look back and enjoy that memory. I did make a fool of myself in front of people, so I regret that but still. Anyways, that's what these people remind me of.
The man I'm in love with is too much of an entirely long story that I would just love to retell over again and again, but I would end up in tears and....well...to be honest... I'm tired of all that bullshit. Yeah he's amazing, yeah he has flaws ( they somehow make me smile even though they frustrate the hell out of me), yeah he's got a good relationship with Christ, yeah he's got a steady income and a wonderful personality, and he's witty and intelligent. But he...most likely doesn't want me. He seems to still be in love with this chick who supposedly broke his heart. They've been posting hearts on each other's wall lately. It's driving me up the fucking bank and back again. Not like I had him but I feel like I lost him. But things don't always work out the way we want them too, and I suppose as long as he happy there ain't much I can do either right? I mean, I'm 6 years younger than him. I'm still in college and he's out of it. He's gonna wanna go out to the bar and I won't be able to join him. I'm gonna wanna go out dancing, and because he's already been through that whole scene, he may not wanna go. He's got a job and we may not be able to see each other as much as we'd like. So there are already many factors working against me. If he wanted me he probably would have asked to hang out, even if he is pretty awkward around girls ( he's so quirky and cute). So I'm having the toughest time facing the truth, that even though I am head over heels for this guy, I have to get the hell over it. That along with everything else in life seems to be crippling me nowadays. Yeah I'm hurting real bad. But like they always say.....
This too shall pass.
Hopefully ;)
