Ok, Ok, I have learned my lesson. Tonight's the night for writing.

What with time moving by so quickly and us leaving in every direction, is it too late to say I regret loving you? And I wrote constantly, about the heart, just another hopeless romantic girl, who doesn't know when to stop. SO I do regret the hours I spent awake, wondering whether I did too much, or too little, but thankfully, and no offense you were a test run. "Goldfish have a memory of 3 seconds". Good point. So do we humans though. It's true, whenever we experience love, it's brand new. Regardless of how much trauma we've endured in the past, we come begging for more.We could be kicked,or slapped, or cut, but for some reason we want to put ourselves in that position.Because we forget what has just happened to us in order to head dive into the new. What exactly is it that gives us hope? And every time it's something new, something "better". We say "oh he's/she's never made me do this before" but can it be that subconsciously we know that's a damn lie?

I wrote songs, and countless poems of salvation and romance, only to be answered by laughs and pity and a cold shoulder. So then I tried sexism, and giving up, but then it came like weeds. So fuck this whole romanticism thing. I don't want it anymore. I just want peace.

Stained paper,Sweet Wine, Automobiles and Long lines

Dancin' on strings was never too safe to begin with
but it's the only thing that feels like home.
Sing me somethin', anything is sacred
but I'll be dancin' till I'm down to bone.
Well the family heirloom seems to have been hope
it was lost but now is found,
deep in the country with mama and her love
nestled deep in the soil, swaddled in God's grace.
 Sleep has always been hard to come by,
and times are gettin' heavy.
Sweetness peppers me with kisses at odd hours of the night, leaving me steady.
But in the morning, it's as if I can't remember a thing.

Oh Sinnerman play me a song and I'll sing it right back, slow and sultry
I feel my clothes are heavy from my soaking in the water
Don't worry about my understanding, you and I are one and the same
I've got mud caked on me from my toes to my collar.
And I know where you come from,down to the little scratches on your heart.
Come find me.
Come find me,
And I will pepper you with sweetness until it is YOU who is steady.

I feel like I'm going crazy. It sucks to feel like you are

but not really know if it's for real. I mean I'm always paranoid but It's gotten to the point where I don't ever get any sleep.I fear all the time. I'm always anxious. I don't know what's coming, but I know I don't like the feel of it or whatever it is. I don't really know how to ask for help.I'm hoping this goes away.

So things gave gotten a little harder lately. I'm still looking for a job and it's been a few months since I've gotten home from school.You can only imagine how useless I feel. Having to depend on my parents is one thing,and it's not as if I was completely independent in the first place, but it makes you feel like a failure when you're home all day with nothing to do other than remedial tasks of everyday life. I cook, I clean, I read, I watch tv, and that's usually my day. In between I shower and brush my teeth, exercise, do whatever else there is to do when one doesn't have a car or a job or...purpose.

Yes. I believe that is what hurts me more than anything. I feel I have lost purpose, and on top of that I feel that I am losing faith. I have taken to asking if people need babysitting or dogsitting. If they need their houses cleaned. I'm even trying to go busking. Any bit will help. I'm sure things will pick up sooner or later, but for now I'm wallowing in these shitty little moods.

On a somewhat lighter note, I may be auditioning for American Idol. I'm not quite certain of how that'll work out, seeing how I've never really seen the show and how I have a bit of hatred towards it. I figure it's a change of scenery though, and for that I should do it. I've been choosing some songs just in case. Anyway, I will let you know if anything else happens. Wish me luck :D

Callous

I thought there were only ashes

but you continue to fan this fire

and what boils me more is that you attempt to put yourself on a pedestal

to ruin what's left of my name

I am the sin of pride

yes I run through the veins of thousands

I am the treacherous ride

that hath brought forth tears to your face

I thought this was dead

but you attempt to make it your puppet,

rearrange the stars all you'll get is

Chaos.
Adulterated, unfiltered, bloody and glorious
Enlightened and Dangerous.
Chaos.

I've got some splainin' to do. I know

I keep coming back don't I? Well I've come to the conclusion that this is way better than having the people read my thoughts. They can be so touchy hahaha. Anyways, I've been meaning to write a lot lately and I feel like tumblr isn't the place for that anymore. I'm back. I'm home. I'm sorry I've been gone so long. hahah/

"She ran down the forest slope."

Sadly, but truly you are still beautiful

and I miss the crinkle of your eyes when you smiled that crooked smile

and that chink in your armor in which you almost let me in.

But I don't look at you and smile anymore.

I look at you and I hurt. Profoundly.

and I look at others with such immature prejudice

and I can honestly say that I know what it is to hate someone you love at the same time.

Lately I hate seeing others smile. I'm selfish and I like it. I'm sinking and you can't stop it. I'm forcing myself to keep trudging and I will persevere. But for now I'll allow myself a five minute break and wallow.

 I can't help but hate most of them. Regret most of them. Sometimes I wish I never met some of them. 

I could scream a thousand curses at you, but where would that get me? 

I have to move on, I have to learn to love all over again.