It is 4:10 in the morning. I cannot fall asleep and I figure I might as well write a little. Things are moving at a normal rate, however differently it feels. I have not been in school for about 7 months. It's killing me mentally. I get depressed easily so that's been a bit of a ride too. Moving back in with my parents was not so easy after being set free for so long, but I got over it. I got a job. It's a lovely fabric, arts and crafts store called Jo-ann's. As time went by I figured things would look up. It did, but in my family you can't take two steps forward without being thrown at least thirty steps back. Our little business is going down. Things are being brought to the light that was meant to stay in the dark. People are turning against each other. Running low on money like in the past.I should add, that these events are not anything new, they are just being presented on a different magnitude. Still in one piece is good news and in one piece I shall stay! Yes, I'm blessed in the sense that I am healthy and I have friends and family, but I feel the need to address a few feelings I've been putting on the side for a while.
When I was a child, I always dreamt that I was running out of time.I was always being chased by monsters, or killed by some angry organization. My parents even ate me alive once. I was conscious for most of it. Zombies were a recurring theme as well. Ghouls plagued me, witches befriended me. I lead armies and fought fiercely while drums pounded in my ears. I could feel actual pain in these dreams. Yes, I felt the sunlight and I felt the rain. I was the sunlight, and I was the rain. I met people that I wouldn't actually meet for years to come. These dreams became so much apart of me that sometimes I wondered if my waking life was the actual dream. It was hard for me to tell what was reality. One thing was certain though. I was always running out of time. I'm twenty now and I feel I should tell you that I still have these silly little dreams. They're a bit more cryptic of course ( dreams do get so as you get older, I think) but the themes are the same. My good dreams are when I have a mysterious companion by my side to fight with me. I can never see their face though. Typical. Am I running out of time, though? And for what exactly? Am I going to die young? How? The last two questions aren't as important as the first two. I just want to get rid of this ache in my soul. Perhaps it's that I haven't found out where I belong exactly. Perhaps it's my entire being telling me to get out and get a move on in finding myself. Whatever it is, it feels like a big hole, or like I'm drowning. I know, I know, I'm being melodramatic. Let's psychoanalyze me later.
This feeling has been growing, feeding on any doubt I have and turning it into some free for all banquet. So I've come to the point. I'm getting out of North Carolina for a while. I've been blessed with the opportunity to do so because I know people up North. I'm moving back up to New Jersey in the next few months for work and maybe even school. I've spoken to my mother, and father, and sister and after many laughs and tears and reassurance, we've come to the conclusion that I've done all the growing I can do in NC for now. I may or may not be getting another job, so I'll be working two. When I have enough money, I will buy myself a plane ticket for a month ahead, and start packing. I'm moving in with my brother who is graciously taking me in and will also be helping me out. Things will get harder before they get easier though, I'm no fool. It's because I know, that I promise myself this:
I will work hard.
I will make music.
I will love fiercely.
I will grow in my relationship with God.
I will smile.
I will dance.
I will laugh.
I will be passionate and caring.
I will pick myself back up when the going gets tough and duke it out.
And above all else,
I will no longer deny myself or others around me the happiness we deserve.
It may not sound like much, or maybe it sounds like a bunch of bullshit, but it's gonna happen.
Anyways, I've got work later so I should probably get to sleep soon. If you're reading this, you should know that you're lovely. You should also know that I appreciate you for giving me a shot. Goodnight!
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