Convince Me.

Look at me in my sunken eyes
and tell me your hollow truth.
About how I drowned you over and over
when I'm the one rotting in seaweed.
About how my kisses were too hard
when my lips are swollen and hips are bruised.
Oh but sometimes the drums weren't enough to keep up with you
and we both know you just can't peel someone from the inside out.
Yes,we both know closure isn't an option.
You were such a saint.

Hello World.

It is 4:10 in the morning. I cannot fall asleep and I figure I might as well write a little. Things are moving at a normal rate, however differently it feels. I have not been in school for about 7 months. It's killing me mentally. I get depressed easily so that's been a bit of a ride too. Moving back in with my parents was not so easy after being set free for so long, but I got over it. I got a job. It's a lovely fabric, arts and crafts store called Jo-ann's. As time went by I figured things would look up. It did, but in my family you can't take two steps forward without being thrown at least thirty steps back. Our little business is going down. Things are being brought to the light that was meant to stay in the dark. People are turning against each other. Running low on money like in the past.I should add, that these events are not anything new, they are just being presented on a different magnitude. Still in one piece is good news and in one piece I shall stay! Yes, I'm blessed in the sense that I am healthy and I have friends and family, but I feel the need to address a few feelings I've been putting on the side for a while.
  When I was a child, I always dreamt that I was running out of time.I was always being chased by monsters, or killed by some angry organization. My parents even ate me alive once. I was conscious for most of it. Zombies were a recurring theme as well. Ghouls plagued me, witches befriended me. I lead armies and fought fiercely while drums pounded in my ears. I could feel actual pain in these dreams. Yes, I felt the sunlight and I felt the rain. I was the sunlight, and I was the rain. I met people that I wouldn't actually meet for years to come. These dreams became so much apart of me that sometimes I wondered if my waking life was the actual dream. It was hard for me to tell what was reality. One thing was certain though. I was always running out of time. I'm twenty now and I feel I should tell you that I still have these silly little dreams. They're a bit more cryptic of course ( dreams do get so as you get older, I think) but the themes are the same. My good dreams are when I have a mysterious companion by my side to fight with me. I can never see their face though. Typical. Am I running out of time, though? And for what exactly? Am I going to die young? How? The last two questions aren't as important as the first two. I just want to get rid of this ache in my soul. Perhaps it's that I haven't found out where I belong exactly. Perhaps it's my entire being telling me to get out and get a move on in finding myself. Whatever it is, it feels like a big hole, or like I'm drowning. I know, I know, I'm being melodramatic. Let's psychoanalyze me later.
     This feeling has been growing, feeding on any doubt I have and turning it into some free for all banquet. So I've come to the point. I'm getting out of North Carolina for a while. I've been blessed with the opportunity to do so because I know people up North. I'm moving back up to New Jersey in the next few months for work and maybe even school. I've spoken to my mother, and father, and sister and after many laughs and tears and reassurance, we've come to the conclusion that I've done all the growing I can do in NC for now. I may or may not be getting another job, so I'll be working two. When I have enough money, I will buy myself a plane ticket for a month ahead, and start packing. I'm moving in with my brother who is graciously taking me in and will also be helping me out. Things will get harder before they get easier though, I'm no fool. It's because I know, that I promise myself this:

I will work hard.
I will make music.
I will love fiercely.
I will grow in my relationship with God. 
I will smile.
I will dance.
I will laugh.
I will be passionate and caring.
I will pick myself back up when the going gets tough and duke it out.

And above all else,
  I will no longer deny myself or others around me the happiness we deserve.

It may not sound like much, or maybe it sounds like a bunch of bullshit, but it's gonna happen.

Anyways, I've got work later so I should probably get to sleep soon. If you're reading this, you should know that you're lovely. You should also know that I appreciate you for giving me a shot. Goodnight!

Aurora by Hans Zimmer

Aurora by Hans Zimmer: 100% of the proceeds from Aurora will be donated to Aurora Victim Relief organization through GivingFirst.org.

It's been in my head for a while now.

This isn't mine btw. 


I have to block out thoughts of you
So I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach
Leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape
To remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head
That make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride
A nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you
Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me
Just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me
it is I that wanted space

Hate me today 
Hate me tomorrow 
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you 
Hate me and wait, yeah wait for it to swallow 
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you 

I'm sober now for 3 whole months
It's one accomplishment that you helped me with 
The one thing that always tore us apart
Is the one thing that I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you
For holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself
You were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions
On things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself
When it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away
That I'll never cross your mind 
And do whatever it takes in your heart
To leave me behind

Hate me today 
Hate me tomorrow 
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you 
Hate me and wait, yeah wait for it to swallow 
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you 

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave 
Kicking shadows on the street
For every mistake that I have made 
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry
And I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make a smile
Come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered:
"How could you did this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me and wait, yeah wait for it to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see
What's good for you, for you, for you, for you...



Blue October-Hate Me.

Don't waste your breath in making wishes.

     I want a great big greasy burger. With bacon, and tomatoes, and MUSHROOMS. That's what my life is about at this very moment. I'm craving this like a bitch. But fo' real doe. Word. Well truth is, I've been craving everything I've been trying so hard to cut down on. This whole loosing weight thing ain't the easiest, but by golly I'm gonna fucking make it. I've already lost a little, I just gotta keep going.I'm tired of feeling the way I do. Plus, when I'm in shape, I can more easily escape any threat in the potentially oncoming zombie apocalypse. 

   Anyways, getting up early to check on a potential job. God willing, I get it. If not, I'll just break down in the middle of the store and start groveling. I'll say I have eighteen infants to feed and The man ain't makin' it any easier. I mean shit. Come on. I'd buy it. From myself. *sigh* Also, I've been looking for a job for about 4 months now, I'd really like it not to be 5. Life has gotten a little bit harder for us. My mom got into a car accident (She's alright thank God.), Money's gotten tighter ( I feel like it's a little bit more my fault, because I shouldn't be home, I should be at school, you know?) and my dad is the only one with a car. Most people would tell me to at least be thankful with the one car. I should. But my father having the car is about the same as not having one. He's big into the whole control thing. If something doesn't go his way he won't care if it's important to you, he'll tell you to go fuck yourself. He has to drive my mom to work which means they'll be fighting  a whole helluva lot more, leading to me having to pick up the pieces. 

   He'll expect to be able to say the most disgusting and unkind things and for us not to fight back.Of course, because he's the bloody Czar! He sits high and mighty on a fucking throne! I know for a fact he's going to use this as a "power" of some sort and hold it against us. As long as it doesn't get violent again, I can get through it. I know, I shouldn't complain. I'm alive and healthy, but sometimes I just get real fucking tired of him. If I could just get a job, I'd be able to help out a lot more. Save up some money to help with the car situation and maybe even one day (if I'm a real good girl, I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes I feel like I'm being punished.) get the fuck out of here and find a small place of my own. I'd be more anxious, but I'd get over it. I'd be a little more free. Sometimes it feels like I'm running out of air, like there's this little voice telling me to give up.

  Also, I'm still auditioning for American Idol, so we'll see how it all goes. Goodness Gracious. Things are so damn jumbly right about now haha.

One big break, man, that's all I need. 

Well regardless of whether I get that break, I'll be here busting my ass to get better.

So that's my life right about now in a nutshell. Well, I better get going. Things to do, places to see, people to love and money to make! Good night to anybody who's reading and thank you for putting up with this! 

Good Luck on the Other Side

Maybe she was so bright

that she had to burn out.

And maybe she was so tired

that she just had to lay down.

And maybe we don’t really know a  Goddamn thing.

All I know is that

I really do hope you’re in a better place love.

And I’m so sorry if your heart was too heavy to carry.

I love you dearly, sweetly.
You are my blood.
But there are also moments in which I would like to rip you limb from limb and beat you with your own arm. I love you.
Dearly.
Sweetly.

Ok, Ok, I have learned my lesson. Tonight's the night for writing.

What with time moving by so quickly and us leaving in every direction, is it too late to say I regret loving you? And I wrote constantly, about the heart, just another hopeless romantic girl, who doesn't know when to stop. SO I do regret the hours I spent awake, wondering whether I did too much, or too little, but thankfully, and no offense you were a test run. "Goldfish have a memory of 3 seconds". Good point. So do we humans though. It's true, whenever we experience love, it's brand new. Regardless of how much trauma we've endured in the past, we come begging for more.We could be kicked,or slapped, or cut, but for some reason we want to put ourselves in that position.Because we forget what has just happened to us in order to head dive into the new. What exactly is it that gives us hope? And every time it's something new, something "better". We say "oh he's/she's never made me do this before" but can it be that subconsciously we know that's a damn lie?

I wrote songs, and countless poems of salvation and romance, only to be answered by laughs and pity and a cold shoulder. So then I tried sexism, and giving up, but then it came like weeds. So fuck this whole romanticism thing. I don't want it anymore. I just want peace.

Stained paper,Sweet Wine, Automobiles and Long lines

Dancin' on strings was never too safe to begin with
but it's the only thing that feels like home.
Sing me somethin', anything is sacred
but I'll be dancin' till I'm down to bone.
Well the family heirloom seems to have been hope
it was lost but now is found,
deep in the country with mama and her love
nestled deep in the soil, swaddled in God's grace.
 Sleep has always been hard to come by,
and times are gettin' heavy.
Sweetness peppers me with kisses at odd hours of the night, leaving me steady.
But in the morning, it's as if I can't remember a thing.

Oh Sinnerman play me a song and I'll sing it right back, slow and sultry
I feel my clothes are heavy from my soaking in the water
Don't worry about my understanding, you and I are one and the same
I've got mud caked on me from my toes to my collar.
And I know where you come from,down to the little scratches on your heart.
Come find me.
Come find me,
And I will pepper you with sweetness until it is YOU who is steady.

I feel like I'm going crazy. It sucks to feel like you are

but not really know if it's for real. I mean I'm always paranoid but It's gotten to the point where I don't ever get any sleep.I fear all the time. I'm always anxious. I don't know what's coming, but I know I don't like the feel of it or whatever it is. I don't really know how to ask for help.I'm hoping this goes away.

So things gave gotten a little harder lately. I'm still looking for a job and it's been a few months since I've gotten home from school.You can only imagine how useless I feel. Having to depend on my parents is one thing,and it's not as if I was completely independent in the first place, but it makes you feel like a failure when you're home all day with nothing to do other than remedial tasks of everyday life. I cook, I clean, I read, I watch tv, and that's usually my day. In between I shower and brush my teeth, exercise, do whatever else there is to do when one doesn't have a car or a job or...purpose.

Yes. I believe that is what hurts me more than anything. I feel I have lost purpose, and on top of that I feel that I am losing faith. I have taken to asking if people need babysitting or dogsitting. If they need their houses cleaned. I'm even trying to go busking. Any bit will help. I'm sure things will pick up sooner or later, but for now I'm wallowing in these shitty little moods.

On a somewhat lighter note, I may be auditioning for American Idol. I'm not quite certain of how that'll work out, seeing how I've never really seen the show and how I have a bit of hatred towards it. I figure it's a change of scenery though, and for that I should do it. I've been choosing some songs just in case. Anyway, I will let you know if anything else happens. Wish me luck :D

Callous

I thought there were only ashes

but you continue to fan this fire

and what boils me more is that you attempt to put yourself on a pedestal

to ruin what's left of my name

I am the sin of pride

yes I run through the veins of thousands

I am the treacherous ride

that hath brought forth tears to your face

I thought this was dead

but you attempt to make it your puppet,

rearrange the stars all you'll get is

Chaos.
Adulterated, unfiltered, bloody and glorious
Enlightened and Dangerous.
Chaos.

I've got some splainin' to do. I know

I keep coming back don't I? Well I've come to the conclusion that this is way better than having the people read my thoughts. They can be so touchy hahaha. Anyways, I've been meaning to write a lot lately and I feel like tumblr isn't the place for that anymore. I'm back. I'm home. I'm sorry I've been gone so long. hahah/

"She ran down the forest slope."

Sadly, but truly you are still beautiful

and I miss the crinkle of your eyes when you smiled that crooked smile

and that chink in your armor in which you almost let me in.

But I don't look at you and smile anymore.

I look at you and I hurt. Profoundly.

and I look at others with such immature prejudice

and I can honestly say that I know what it is to hate someone you love at the same time.

Lately I hate seeing others smile. I'm selfish and I like it. I'm sinking and you can't stop it. I'm forcing myself to keep trudging and I will persevere. But for now I'll allow myself a five minute break and wallow.

 I can't help but hate most of them. Regret most of them. Sometimes I wish I never met some of them. 

I could scream a thousand curses at you, but where would that get me? 

I have to move on, I have to learn to love all over again.